ENCOUNTERING GRIEF
"It is a gift to exist, and with existence comes suffering"
Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss. Despite being widespread, our mainstream culture is doesn’t really know how to handle grief. There are a lot of myths and misconceptions about grief.
Grief is a complicated constellation of emotions. It is not just about physical death. It’s about all the aspects of loss that one might face – such as the termination of a job, the death of a dream, the end of a relationship, loss of safety or security, loss of identity, (there are more than 43 types of loss that can trigger grief)…the common denominator among all types of grief is loss.
Encounters with loss and the ensuing suffering can send shockwaves throughout every area of our lives. When you’re grieving it can be so disorienting, devastating, and leave you desperately seeking a remedy for the pain.
Sorrow, despair, rage, resentment, relief, guilt, anxiousness, distress, and anxiety are just a few of the emotions you might feel. And yes, you might feel them all at once. You might fee like you’re trying to just avoid drowning while seeing anger and denial hurling towards you on the horizon. One minute you can be in acceptance and then next you’re bargaining. Overwhelming, to say the least.
Rather than a linear progression of stages with a defined beginning and end, grief is more like a roller coaster of emotions without a set timetable for when the ride ends. It can leave you shattered into a million little pieces and wondering if and how you will ever put yourself back together. It can feel hard to completely inhale because of the physical ache in your chest from the pain of losing something so precious and irreplaceable. It’s messy, confusing, and scary. It doesn’t make sense. Grief does not care about timelines.
Grief takes as long as it takes and the only way out is through
NAVIGATING GRIEF
“Every one of us is losing something precious to us. Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again. That’s part of what it means to be alive.” ― Haruki Murakami
It can feel overwhelming and suffocating and all sorts of uncomfortable and unpleasant slowing down enough or even come to a full stop and look our pain in the eyes. There are plenty of distractions we throw ourselves into so that we don’t have to feel – alcohol, drugs, food, TV, video games, mindless scrolling on social media, and even dressing up work as a noble reason to avoid facing the pain (when you become a workaholic and are “too busy to deal with it”). We do everything we can to numb these intense emotions.
(By the way, this is pretty understandable. It's normal to want to avoid or feel fearful of sitting with powerful emotions and challenging thoughts - especially free from typical distractions).
Ultimately though, it is impossible to outrun them.
The only way out of the storm is through. It is important to find ways to process your grief – in ways that are healthy and meaningful to you. There is an enormous amount of wisdom to be gleaned from our wounds. When we face our wounds and allow ourselves to grieve, we also begin the process of healing.
Each of us has the capacity to heal ourselves. Grief can teach us a lot about life and ourselves if we allow it to…I know for me, it’s taught me a lot about love, kindness, gratitude, surrender, mercy, and compassion.
MYTHICAL GRIEF
Grief can indeed be legendary. It's understandable then that there might be a few myths lurking about grief. Here are a few popular ones:
Grief is Reserved for Death Only
Time Heals All Wounds
Everyone Grieves in Stages
If You're Not Crying, You're not Grieving
You Can't Grieve Someone Who is Still Alive
Everyone Grieves The Same
The First Year Is the Hardest
Men Don't Want to Talk About Their Grief
Grief is Linear & Has a Predictable Timeline
Life Will Return to "Normal", When You're Done Grieving
Your Friends & Family Will Know How to Support You
Ignoring Your Pain Will Help it Go Away
Why is it important to question these myths?
Unfortunately perpetuating these myths can do more harm than good. Often people feel more lost or worse when their grief doesn’t follow the prescribed pattern in these myths. Everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Loss and the ensuing experience of grief is as individual and unique as you.
You deserve to grieve at your own pace. Your grief may appear to be similar to another’s grief, but ultimately, we all experience it differently. Give yourself space, permission, and as much time as you need to face your loss & process your grief.
Grief doesn’t follow the rules.
Grief doesn’t follow the rules.
Grief doesn’t follow the rules.
"Anyone can slay a dragon, he told me, but try waking up every morning & loving the world all over again. That's what takes a real hero."